I used to be the girl that would fall for anyone that showed her attention. I remember pining for girls that hardly ever thought of me, falling in love with people thousands of miles away, and not being able to get over girls who made me feel comfy and at home. I always knew these things made me weak, and I always knew I had a lot of love to give. When would I find someone that wouldn't take advantage of me, wouldn't keep me on the backburner with a pat on the head every few days? Would I ever find a relationship with strength and conviction, with real love and respect instead of need and loneliness? I was pretty, smart, hard-working. What was wrong with me?

I think settling for less is a self-perpetuating condition. I think you start somewhere early on accepting anything that's thrown your way, because you get conditioned to believe that's all you deserve. It becomes a neurological pattern. If you're really observant, you'll notice that your relationships (or jobs, or whatever applies) are maybe crappy compared to some you see, but you don't care...you're just thankful to have one. Or maybe you don't even have the gratitude...that's even worse. And you continue to attract the same people and the same kind of relationships...over and over...and over...and over. You act the same toward potential partners. Your behavior is deeply conditioned. Your results are repetitive.

Here's where I'll harp on meditation again. Meditation gives you detachment, and detachment gives you crazy amounts of insight. You start seeing things really clearly. "I do *that*? Seriously?" You can form intentions to act how you *want* to act...attract whom you *want* to attract. Life starts to reshape itself.

Now...in *my* life...I feel like I'm almost being protected in a way. I feel this barrier between me and infatuation, and I don't mind in the least. Nobody I'm talking to feels *quite* right, right now...like it would work out all that well. What I get from this is that the universe is telling me that the time isn't quite right for *me* either....I see my circumstances staring back at me in different forms. There's even someone that would be great for me, but...I almost feel my heart being sheltered from falling for her. It wouldn't work - she's leaving soon....she's going far away. I'm sitting here in my safe little crystal and looking at all the disaster that *could* befall me...but it's not.

I feel like I'm being nurtured for the right time, the right place, the right person. This might all sound really cheesy, but....it's a comforting feeling. No more hurt. No more suffering. No more feeling ridiculous. But I get all the good things....confidence, detachment, strength. I'm protected from myself while I fix my life so that it can support the relationship I want.

I really think my intentions brought me here, and it wasn't necessarily just the intentions of a week ago, or a month ago. The intentions that created this moment were further in the past than that. And it's one more huge thing I have to be thankful for.

Right now it's evening, and it's quiet here in the upstairs room I spend most of my time in. The sun is going down and all I can hear is the occasional dog barking or loud engine over on the street in the near distance.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm back here, even though I've been back a little over three weeks now. My old life died a slow, miserable death over the summer, then a month ago, most of what I knew was destroyed. I almost...

Well, nevermind that. Another story for another time.

The happiest day of that horrible week was when I'd packed my bunny and most of my belongings and I was on the long trip south. The trip home. The weight of all I'd suffered was finally behind me. Chillicothe's siren lullaby of mediocrity called to me...told me to rest....told me I was tired from all the anguish, all the pain. I shook it off and realized that much was left to be done. I couldn't stop for an instant.

I'd left a four year relationship dead just behind me. I'd left a job. I'd left a social life.

In these three weeks since I left and drove into the sunset, I've fallen for someone, had my heart broken , and built an entirely new social life from old friends and pretty new girls. I've meditated my way into a higher level of consciousness, shook off the chains of attachment, and gained a since of confidence in the universe I don't ever remember having before.

It may be quiet up here in this room as evening's shadows lengthen, but inside...away from laptops and Enya and the sound of engines in the distance, wheels are turning. I hear - I *feel* - my life moving. I don't know what will happen except the manifestation of my intentions. I don't know how it will happen, but the difference between me now and me three weeks ago is that now I'm certain of their fulfillment. I'm starting to really enjoy meditation again, and I know that for me that only happens when I can savor the fulfillment of my desires through the ether. It tastes so good.

I'm happy, right now in this moment. I think that being able to say that, to feel that, takes a level of awareness I didn't always have in the past. I'm thankful for most of the hurt that's happened to me in the last few weeks, and I'm sure I'll be thankful for the rest of it when I see the beautiful things coming my way because of them. I'm so psyched for what's happening.

I'm happy. (: