Musings like these are powerful, and they're usually brought on by a single thought. In a flurry of greed and materialism, I was browsing ebay earlier tonight and was happy to see plenty of the now-discontinued Clinique Simply up for auction. It triggered an emotional response - it was one of my badly-wanted fragrances in the fateful winter I mentioned just above. Everything...the bottle, the color of the perfume, all the complex notes in the fragrance, seemed to sum up that time in my life in an interesting way. That emotional response sort of fermented in my mind until just now as I was pulling music from my backup folder on Anna's computer into iTunes...and then suddenly and for no reason I started listening to that song. And then come the flood of memories, made all the clearer by heavy, intense meditation every day for the past month or two. It was vivid, but clearer than the fading images was the feeling in my chest. It was tangible...palpable. The warmth, the comfort, the joy of discovering an idealized new world, all right there, all very noticeable as sensations in my body.

The process of one little thing leading to a cascade of other events in your life that lead to the manifestation of much bigger things....Deepak Chopra calls it "Synchrodestiny". Everything that's happening now...to you, to me, to everyone reading these words and everyone else in existence....all of it has its roots deep in the past and will have echoes and far-reaching effects long into the future.

I started to understand all of this on a really deep, fundamental level when I started really intensive meditation. I never realized how colorful, deep, and strange "reality" really is. It's so humbling but there's a kind of really amazing joy in it...

I guess I should stop and ask...why meditate?

The goal of meditation is to silence your mind completely. There's two parts to us...there's the "real" us that lives under all the social conditioning and the roar of constant thoughts...and there's the ego...the thing that says "I want, I need, me me me." The ego is the part of us that gets offended, flies into rages, gets angry at people and holds grudges, feels egotistical or proud or ambitious, the part that cuts people off in traffic out of spite or gets vindictive or petulant. Sadly, it's the part of us that we mistake for the "real" us...and even more sadly, I think it's entirely artificial. That part of us develops sometime in childhood as the beginning of a profound slide into separation from every other person and being in existence. By the time we're teenagers, we've thrown up this artificial barrier and we're pouring 99% of all of our energy and attention into defending its sensitive and arbitrary barriers. We defend points of view. We buy newer and better cars, cell phones, and strain to get better jobs and lawnmowers than our neighbors. We defend dignity. We defend political or racial affiliations. We defend mythology and religion. And we assert those points by taking the offensive and pushing those points of view onto others...by force sometimes. Enter war and terrorism.

That part of you is what clamors for your attention every single moment with nagging passing thoughts flitting through your awareness. And if you run like that all day, every day, you age quickly. You get old really fast as stress consumes your body. You fall victim to myriad different illnesses, then you wonder if your life meant anything before you die.

Now that sounds really melodramatic, and maybe it is a little bit. But it's true.

Meditation is supposed to get you around that. It's a chance for your mind to rest a little bit, but also to silence that chatter of thoughts. It's like the difference between a phone conversation where you can hear hundreds of other conversations at once, drowning out you and your friend...and having a clear, one-on-one conversation with that person with no interruption. The more you meditate, the quieter and sharper your mind gets. Scientific studies on meditation point to increased cognitive ability *and* productivity...huge increases...in those who meditate vs. those who don't. I can tell you personally that life is a lot easier to live when you meditate, and that's sort of only the beginning of all the benefits.

Me personally? I wondered why nothing I ever intended happened...until meditation. Now what I intend, happens. All the time. It's crazy.

And images like the one I mentioned above become so much clearer and more profound. I'm dazzled by how beautiful life is.

Her name's Kasmira, and apparently she lives in Cincy, which is awesome.  Why awesome?

1. Because I didn't know there was such a thing as fashion, fashionable people, or nice clothes in Cincy (if you read this, Kasmira, no offense, I swear!!)

I'm linking her because, well...she wears cute stuff, she's a legwear fanatic like me, and she's not afraid to dress for herself and for no one else.  I love that, and I like to celebrate it in others.

She hasn't updated this particular blog in a couple years, but that's okay.  It's still a showcase for awesome ideas, inspiration, and encouragement.  Plus, she writes cool articles about dyeing things, random fashion advice, and other interesting stuff.

Plus, she's a cute redhead.  Cute redheads are always in style.  XD

If I can wax metaphysical for a minute, I have to express how strange it all is to watch your life rebuild itself before your eyes, to watch your intentions come together and build something solid and stable, something that you only dreamt about.

Yeah, guys....I'm sort of feeling the need to get a little bit personal.  I hope you don't mind...=)

I never mentioned this - for a reason - but life was a wreck about...no more than two months ago, actually.  I won't go into details or get emo or anything...quite the opposite.  Three months ago the hope of a stable life was a twinkle in the furthest reaches of my dreams.  Now I'm watching my life transform right in front of me.  It's really surreal, actually.  And I'm a changed woman.  It wasn't religion that saved me, or a ruthless capitalist attitude.  It was a complete, utter, and total change in consciousness.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I forced my awareness open and rewrote how I see the world.

And now I don't recognize my life.  It's beautiful.

& I have an interview Thursday, for a full time position.  Can you believe I don't have a blouse and a decent skirt for an interview?  And my black pumps are totally shot (Anna disagrees, but permanent scuff marks like burns on the side, strange white streaks like paint that won't come off, and chunks that a bunny bit out of the side of the heel give evidence to my side of the argument.)  While I *could* wear my black flats....I don't think that's as good an idea as wearing heels, do you?

So tomorrow after work we're gonna hit Plato's Closet and see if we can find a decently cheap outfit for me to wear (shoes would be killer but I'm not getting my hopes up.  Plato's never has any cute shoes in my size).

For some reason, I never get tired of hearing things like this, especially from gods of the fashion industry.  But oddly enough, it's these heroic fashion figures that say things like this the most.  (Nina Garcia said something very similar in The Little Black Book of Style.  It was one of the first things I read when I opened the book, and she wrote two or three pages with this as her thesis statement.  It was the first thing that made me want to buy the book.)  Marc Jacobs is arguably one of the most important people in fashion right now, and if you've ever seen pictures of him, there's a good chance he's wearing something REALLY WEIRD.  But this is what separates designers and trendsetters worlds apart from the people that just follow fashion, without creating it.  I've personally noticed that in fashion magazines, the columnists, editors, and contributors are forever telling you what you shouldn't do (and there are some designers that do this, too) but there are hugely influential people in fashion that enjoy telling you what you *should* do, without any shouldn'ts.  Usually they're the most flamboyant or creative, but usually they make the biggest splash, and they do this by being unique.

(Of course, most people in our culture would much rather be given direction and structure by someone else.  Not everyone is a leader.)

I'll go on to support Nina Garcia's statement here.  Style is a mindset.  It's never about following trends, because if you're only following trends, all you're doing is spending money and looking like everyone else and changing your wardrobe every year or two.  But style isn't just about being unique, because a lot of people are unique and they're not fashionable or stylish in any way (or worse, they're a walking disaster).  Style is 

completely a mindset.  Style is wearing what you love and feeling confident and sexy doing it.  Style is about getting noticed.  It's about making other girls be like "God, that's so cute.  I was never brave enough to wear something like that but now I think I might have to try that out."  Anyone can keep up on fashion, but it takes a certain kind of person to make fashion.  That's why so many people get inspired and wear something unique but fail at it, maybe get a snicker or negative comment or weird stare and never try again.  Truly stylish people have incredible confidence, and usually only have positive things said to them because they're more confident than anyone that might have an opinion.

I should add, though, that style is also about being able to tell what flatters you and what doesn't, and going with the current.  If you're a really pale redhead that happens to really like fake tan stuff and gold jewelry, you're only gonna be able to pull that off in the most extreme cases, i.e. if you're really confident and you feel like you flow with it.  (Of course then, that makes you a sort of fashion avatar yourself.)  You can pack the greatest punch in style if you flow as much as possible with the natural currents of what makes you look good.

What makes me an authority?  Nothing...except I used to be one of those chicks...one of the ones that might occasionally get inspired to try something but fail at it.  Maybe I wore a disgustingly clunky and unflattering pair of shoes with an otherwise cute outfit...and I most certainly never had fashionista confidence.

And honestly?  It's an ongoing process.  Breaking free of fashion-follower consciousness and into fashionista consciousness is quite a leap - it's not unlike breaking free of having been raised indoctrinated into organized religion.  You have to KNOW you're sexy...you have to radiate "fashionista" from every cell in your body, even if you don't actually feel it or puff yourself up with arrogance.  But, to my understanding, that's the balance you have to strike.  You can't just tell yourself you're hot and sexy, because then you only broadcast arrogance and you're still mediocre.  You have to be it, and if you be it and you're still humble, you'll have nothing at all to hide and people can only admire you.

And admire they will.

* * * * *

Having said that, I think this fall and winter will be the White Winter for me.  From what Anna's saying, white is looking better on me all the time, and apparently it even looks better on me than my old earth tone staples.  Upon a visit to Express tonight, I've crossed the big off-the-shoulder sweater off my list...and added a cute, short white sweater dress with short sleeves.  I've wanted more white clothes for quite a while...and I suppose, being blonde, it does flatter me (and my personality) far better than, say....black.  I love black...black is sexy and sophisticated.  But apparently, I'm growing more........sweet.

Interesting, no?

I've been enjoying...

-1776 by David McCullogh

-The End of Faith by Sam Harris (and laughing to myself like a madwoman listening to it - it's so scathing and hilarious)

-A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous Fourteenth Century by Barbara Tuchman (not as much as the above two)

-various Deepak Chopra texts (you'd be surprised at just how much you go into alpha sorting envelopes...so it gives you lots of room to absorb healthy philosophies into your life)

I also get about five or six little Christian pamphlets a day.....people actually include these with their electric bills!!  "DEATH!  IT HAPPEN'S EVERY DAY!!!" (yes, "happen's" was actually in the possessive).  I really wonder...do these people actually think their electric bills are being given individual attention?  That it's not some assembly line operation, that it's somewhere where someone's gonna be like "I've always been afraid of what would happen if I didn't convert wholesale to some Protestant variation of Christianity...let me take some time to read this pamphlet..."  It's especially funny to get one while I'm listening to the Sam Harris book.

It must be the dharma factor.  It must be that I want to really contribute something to the world, to do something tangible.  I love fragrance and I've always been obsessed with things like potions and tinctures.

I haven't bought any essential oils, carrier oils, or materials yet, but I've come across my first dilemma.  It seems there's two main ways to distill a scent into your perfume...

a) Essential oils.  This is done by taking a carrier oil, like jojoba oil, and soaking herbs, spices, flowers, fruits, or whatever in it for a certain amount of time.  Jojoba is an incredibly penetrating oil, and will quickly become a powerful essential oil when something is soaked in it.  It also seems that it would easily permeate into any mixture, like a perfume.

b) Essence in alcohol.  Vodka, or a similar clear liquor, is an essential ingredient in perfume, and I know I'll have to use it.  But it can also be used to distill fragrance, as well.

So my question is...drops of fragrance oil (jojoba) or fragrance tincture (vodka)?  I'll probably be going with oil for that...I'd imagine the oil would be less likely to dilute in the alcohol.

Anyway, here's how it works...you add a single drop or so of your base notes (musk, bay, etc), two drops of mid notes (cinnamon, cardamom, freesia, etc) and three of your top notes (peach, red currant, etc) into three tablespoons of vodka and a half cup of distilled water or so.  This is just a sample recipe, but there's a lot of room to play around.  Glycerin can also be used to help the perfume retain its smell for longer.  You stir in each drop of oil as it is added.  What's fascinating is that your perfume can smell ENTIRELY different, based simply on a single drop of oil or how well it's blended into the perfume.  And when you leave it to sit and steep, the longer you leave it, the stronger it gets, so apparently you're not supposed to leave it for any longer than you want the smell's strength to be.

I actually can't wait to try this.  The only problem seems to be bottling it...