I woke up around one or one thirty after a few hours of sleep. It seems I can never sleep at night anymore. That's just as well, though; I write better at night.
Most nights I write for Lindsay...or mess around on this game or that. But tonight felt more serious for some reason, and I woke up feeling disturbed and lonely and very, very serious. I began to think about exactly what I want out of this little life of mine.
I've long matured past the point where things like pieces of paper - masters' degrees and the like - appeal to me. Most people seek these for ego reasons, or because they feel like they have to. I guess, for me, when I looked inward and sought my own happiness, a piece of paper hanging on my wall didn't do it for me.
What, then?
I'm not like everyone else - I knew that from the time I was very young. I used to envy the kids that could win the approval of their parents and teachers so effortlessly, but it seemed I was doomed to be different. It seemed I'd been given something they weren't...I'd been given a muse. I'd been given the ability to create. But create what? I think that question has been one of the most disturbing questions in my life, this shadow looming in the background of my awareness for years.
I think distinctions between individual career paths might be meaningless. What I think I'm trying to say is, no matter what I create, I want it to inspire others, to take someone somewhere else completely, to share my heart. It's that simple, I think.
What I do know is what I want. I want simplicity. I don't care about finding some corporate niche and winning the approval of people (I used to). What I do want are mornings in a cabin in the mountains with the sunlight streaming in through the windows, writing my heart out over a delicious cup of chai (No milk. I don't do milk.). I want simple elegance in the way I dress, in the way I live. I want a quiet life; no abundance of people I don't really care about, no accolades, no fanfare. I want a quiet life with Lindsay by my side. That's it.
I used to want to fit in better with people, and to adapt myself to their ways. Now, I'm coming to prize the opposite. I want to embrace who I am; all the weirdness and the awkwardness, the beauty of being that person whose words cut that much deeper because of their profound truth. I'm okay with being the girl that speaks at the table and makes the whole place go silent. Life is too short to be someone else. I've come to love not having anyone else around other than Lindsay; I love my own company, and I love hers. We are a party unto ourselves.
This is what I want. I woke up feeling the need to write something from the heart, and here I have. These thoughts bring me happiness, and I think that alone is proof that I'm onto something.
Happiness, then.
I feel better now. :)
